Martin Luther King, Jr., in being asked to publish some of his sermons, wrote in the preface to his book, “. . . a sermon is directed toward the listening ear rather than the reading eye. . . I offer these discourses in the hope that a message may come to life for readers of the printed words.” This is my hope for you, dear reader.
—Rev. Linda

February 5, 2006

LOVE - WHO NEEDS IT?
THE BARRIERS TO LOVE

Have you ever seen something and then later learned that what you saw wasn’t what you saw?
The other day I was headed out to do some errands and came to the stop sign where I wanted to turn right at Broadway, and there was an accident in the intersection. One vehicle was in the middle of the intersection and another one where the streets intersect, and several cars going very slowly through the area. Listening for sirens and watching for a police car to arrive, I waited for traffic to clear and was finally able to make my right turn.

But as I headed down the street, all the time watching for the flashing blue lights to suddenly appear, I glanced up into my rearview mirror and saw the vehicle that had been in the middle of the intersection turn left and drive onto that street. I thought, “What is he doing? Maybe he’s just trying to get out of the middle of the road, but he shouldn’t be moving his car.”

But he didn’t stop after he got out of the intersection. He kept on driving down the street! And I thought, “Now what’s he doing? He can’t go leaving the scene of an accident!” Then I saw the other car, which I had assumed had been somehow involved or at least a witness, drive through the intersection and be on its way. And traffic continued as usual.
I was totally confused until I realized there hadn’t been an accident. There was no accident. Those cars were just waiting to make their turns, just like I was. I was befuddled, almost a little disoriented, as I had to readjust my thinking to what I had now realized had really happened, which was actually nothing.

Now get this . . . that’s pretty much the condition of an awful lot of what we see—something that’s nothing. And especially what we see in the relationships in our lives.

Well, it’s February, and what better topic than relationships. Love - Who Needs It? As I was preparing myself for this series I discovered a wonderful book that I’m really enjoying and finding well worth the reading, I Need Your Love—Is That True? by Byron Katie.

Byron Katie, (her real name is Byron Kathleen Mitchell, but she goes by Katie) is an ordinary person who suddenly got “woke up” out in the Mohave Desert, where she lives in California. She had been going through some really rough times in her life. Then one gorgeous day she decided to go out for a walk in the desert, just strolling along minding her own business.

And “Suddenly, Oh my God!—there’s a big fat Mojave Green rattlesnake directly in front of [her]. And [she] had almost stepped on him! No one around for miles and this could be a painful, slow death. [Her] heart was beating to pop out of [her] chest, [her] brow had broken in to a sweat, [she] was paralyzed by fear.

“ But then, and [she] doesn’t know how it happened, [her] eyes began to focus: [she] dared another glance at the snake—and miraculously, [she] saw. It’s a rope! That snake is a rope! Well, [she] fell to the ground and began to laugh, cry, and to just take it in. [She] even had to poke it.

“ What had happened? [She] knew one thing: [She] was safe. [She] knew she could stand over that rope for a thousand years and never be frightened of it again. [She] felt such gratitude and ease. The entire world could come upon this snake, scream, run away, have heart attacks, scare themselves to death—and [she] could just remain here fearlessly, and pass on the good news. [She] would understand people’s fears, see their pain, hear their stories about why it really is a snake, and yet there would be no way that [she] could believe them or be frightened of that rope. [She] had fallen into the simple truth: That snake is a rope.”

Katie thought, “How do I help people who think that the rope is a snake? I can’t. They have to realize it for themselves. They could take my word for it, because they want it to be true. But until they see it for themselves, they would always in their hearts believe that the rope is a poisonous snake and that they are in mortal danger.” (p. xvii)

Well, dear friends, this is very much what our thoughts can be like— poisonous snakes that are really nothing by ropes. Our founder Dr. Ernest Holmes calls them “ropes of sand.” Because when we see them for what they are, they’re washed away by the waves as the tide of Truth washes over us. But how do we get to that truth?

I haven’t told you anything new here. We all know the way we see things or interpret people’s actions or comments, even our own, is often erroneous. And causes us great pain and suffering. But how do we get to the bottom of it? How do we see the rope instead of the snake?

What Katie discovered from her process was a method she refers to as inquiry, 4 simple questions that can help show you your barriers to love by asking if they’re true. So as I’m talking, you may want to just let come to your mind something that’s disturbing you in a relationship with someone. And in a few minutes you’ll have an opportunity to find your greater truth about your thoughts regarding that relationship, or lack thereof, that’s been upsetting you.
Relationship is why we’re here, what it’s all about. Karen Goldman said, “There is only one path to Heaven. On Earth, we call it Love.” And Ernest Holmes, in one of my all-time favorite quotes of his, says, “If we look at love long enough, we shall become lovely, for this is the way of love. God is Love. . . If we seek the Divine in [people], we shall find it, and be entertaining angels unawares.” (The Science of Mind, p. 491:4)

Yet, so often we DON’T find love in others, so what does this mean? What’s the “people” he’s talking about? The “people” is you, is me. We find it in our own selves. Our relationships are the greatest mirrors we have of our own thoughts and beliefs.

So whether you’re interested in romantic love or not, love in its many facets shows up in every area of our lives - home, work, spiritual community, friends, acquaintances, everywhere we are.

On the physical plane it’s reflected in the relationships or lack of them in our lives. We want to please, be approved of, feel accepted, feel appreciated, or even admired or adored. This is what we’re really wanting when we think about being loved in this realm.

On the mental plane, love is the way we think about ourselves, and those thoughts are projected onto the others in our lives and show up in the physical plane as a mirror, reflecting our thought about ourselves back to us.
But on the spiritual plane - Love is God, what we are, our connection with Spirit; Truth, Freedom, Beauty, Life, Joy. And It is unconditional. We feel Its sweet Presence by simply becoming aware of It.

Most of us, when it comes to love, have experienced a great deal of pain through our interpretations of the way we “saw” things in our past. We are very much like the little girl on the playground in the reading this morning. Our woundedness comes from our own thoughts and the way we score ourselves with them. We set up barriers to love.

One of these barriers is the need to be right. When we think there’s a question about our rightness, we drum up support from outside ourselves, build our army of people to agree with us. We don’t trust ourselves. We have expectations of the way we think other people should be, act, or even say.

Another barrier is our not trusting. We fear being abandoned, we fear being taken advantage of, abused. We fear being honest—what would happen if I really said what I think?

Unwillingness to forgiveness is another barrier. We love to play the victim and hold on to those old grudges, hurts, and pains, to tell the stories over and over.

We get all wrapped up in our attachments, like chains of co-dependancy. We set up these barriers, yet freedom is our true nature.

Anyone recognize this one—not accepting what is, always trying to change someone or something?

And perhaps the most insidious barrier, seeking approval outside ourselves, trying to make people like us, to impress them, to show them how smart we are, how clever, how funny, how young, how “with it,” how . . . you fill in the blank.
Byron Katie says, “When you do anything to please, get, keep, influence, or control anyone or anything, fear is the cause and pain is the result. Manipulation is separation, and separation is painful.” She says, “When you want to impress people and win their approval, you’re like a child who says, ‘Look at me! Look at me!’ It all comes down to a needy child.” (p. 45)

But the paradox is that what we “seek” we cannot find. We’ll always be seeking. Ernest Holmes says in Can We Talk to God?, “If we are still submerged in doubt and fear, in uncertainty and dread, shall not these monsters need first bo be slain before peace and confidence be gained?” (p. 79) To slay the monsters, we must discover that what we think is an ugly, poisonous snake is only a harmless rope.

Tell the truth about yourself. We can do this when we no longer fear, when we see the rope as a rope. We know we have beliefs that we need to change, but how do we find them and then, how do we change them? Katie says we question them! Ask “Is it true?”

She says, “Your most intimate relationship is the one you have with your thoughts.” But you are not the voice in your head. Because if you’re the voice in your head, who’s the one listening to it? (p. 12-13)

So let’s look at the “Doing an Inquiry” worksheet in your program and take just take a few minutes to see if you can uncover some truth about a disturbing thought you’ve been having about someone. If you need a pencil or pen, please raise your hand and the usher will bring one to you. And I’ll ask Greg if he’d play for us some soft, quiet, music as you do this inner work.

First, write down the upsetting thought that’s been running through your head about some relationship, or lack thereof, with whoever. Just a simple sentence, such as “She doesn’t act like she loves me.”
Second, ask yourself “Is this true? Can I be absolutely certain, beyond any doubt, this is true?” Try to get to a yes or no answer. But at least to “I’m not sure.”

Third, think about how you react when you think this thought. Does it bring you peace or stress? How does it cause you to treat yourself or the other person? Be as precise and detailed as you can.

Fourth, if you didn’t have this thought, who would you be or what would your life be like? Now don’t try to replace that thought with another one, a better one. Stick with your original thought. Use your imagination to see what it would be like without that original thought, if you never had it, you weren’t even capable of thinking it.

Now, do what Katie calls the turnaround to see if you can discover what that thought is really all about. Try reversing the thought. For example, if your thought was about your father and you were thinking “He shouldn’t treat me badly,” you might turn it around to “I shouldn’t treat him badly.” Or “I shouldn’t treat me badly.” Or maybe even “He shouldn’t treat himself badly.” As you turn the statement around, try to think of 3 legitimate statements you can make that are as true or even truer than your original thought.

For example, “I shouldn’t treat him badly.” 1. I did treat him badly. 2. I refused to share my life with him. 3. I shut him out.

Take a few minutes to at least get started with this process and then take it home with you and spend some time with it. It can really help you to uncover some beliefs you’ve been carrying around that have stopped you from truly experiencing love in your relationships.

What we discover through this process is that it’s the barriers to our own self love we have to take down. We can do that as we come to see they’re not snakes, but just powerless, transitory ropes of sand.

And when we begin to truly love ourselves, then we can begin to truly see how that love is God, and experience the divinity that we are.

DOING AN INQUIRY
from I Need Your Love—Is That True?
by Byron Katie

Whenever you have a stressful thought, these 4 questions and the turnaround will guide you through your inquiry.

1. Is it true? - Write down the most upsetting thought that’s running through your head. If it’s more of a feeling, give the feeling a voice and then write down what it says.

2. Can I absolutely know that it’s true? Ask YOU this question. Try to have a yes or no answer or at least I’m not sure.

3. How do I react when I think this thought? Believing this thought you’re having, how do you live? Does it bring you peace or stress, bring you closer to people or separate you from them? How do you treat yourself and others? Be as precise and detailed as you can.

4. Who would I be or what would life be like without this thought? Don’t look for a better thought. Use your imagination.

Now turn the thought around any way you want to until you find the turnaround(s) that penetrate the deepest. Consider reversed or opposite versions of the thought. For example, “He doesn’t care about me.” Turn it around to “I don’t care about him,” or I don’t care about me,” or He does care about me.” Then find 3 genuine examples of how each turnaround is as true or truer than the original statement.

1st Turnaround -

1.

2.

3.

2nd Turnaround -

1.

2.

3.

3rd Turnaround -

1.

2.

3.